I normally write almost every single day, and only sometimes do I share my words with you all because they are personal and sometimes pathetic. But tonight, I am going to whine.
ONLY FOR A SECOND.
I had a long weekend! This morning (Sunday, February 21, 2016) I woke up, I wrote in this journal. “I am weak.” I slept until 2:00pm on Saturday and as much as I hated myself for doing it, clearly my body needed the extra rest. The only problem was I woke up at 2:00pm and had to work at 4:00pm where I was on my feet for another eight hours so when I woke this morning I was pretty much back at square one.
I woke up today with a crazy headache and I was exhausted. The pain my head felt engaged with my emotions and I was crying my eyes out by noon on the phone to my mom because my friend forgot to bring me something…wtf. I thought to myself, what the hell is wrong with me? My body and my mind were not in sync and I totally lost it. I literally sat in my bed and cried for a half hour for no logical reason. It was almost 5:00pm before I decided to take some action, I got some dinner and went outside for a bit. This sickness could EASILY take over my whole body
OR I could be mindful of this time in bed and relax, read some new blogs and write…a lot. It may have taken me most of the day before I realized that I had to take care of myself but it is okay if I forgot to take care of myself for a brief moment as long as I am on track now I think that is what matters.
Recently the binding on my journal had broken, (my mother bought me a new one as a gift that I am excited to write in) and because it was now at the end of its life I spent the day reading through it. Little flashbacks into my life.
I have a ton of empty notebooks; I had bought them with the intention to write my thoughts or ideas in them. I would record a few entries and then the notebook would stay there with pages ready to be written in and completely untouched.
I found this notebook back in August 2015. It only had a few entries in it. One was from March 2014, and a few were in October of 2014. Clearly respecting myself had been an issue even a year ago because at the end of all my entries I wrote something like, “Stop trying to please everyone around you,” or “live for yourself.” That was a whole year ago and I have certainly made progress since then.
This journal has been places and heard things. Struggles of moving on and choosing myself first. Picking up and leaving home was the best move I have made in my life thus far. These entries mark the start of choosing my own path, and choosing to love myself. It carries around the beginning of the rest of my life. It was around this time last year that I started taking life into my own hands. But now instead of talking about it, I need to just do it. This feels almost like the end of a chapter. I’ve cleared a few trees so far and now I’m blazing my own trail.
I am so grateful to this notebook. It was taught me to no longer fear life but to embrace it.
Life is good.