I have a hard time letting things go…people, habits, toys, etc. A really hard time. And when I do let something go it is usually to benefit me and not the other party. However recently I have been reminded that my quality of life matters and sometimes you have to become free of the things that weigh you down.
I also think that I have an addictive personality, which means that I crave all sorts of different highs (no grandma, not the illegal kind) but emotional highs, like climbing up a mountain by myself, or embracing myself in a new community. I am also addicted to the thought of having Billy* to come home to. I have fantasized a world in which is a literal fantasy and not my own reality. Becoming self-aware of these habits has opened my eyes up a bit.
The reason this has been brought to my attention is because I was looking back on all my journal entries. I was having a writers block and wanted to reflect a bit on my own ideas so I looked back on older entries I had written. [I keep journals and write in them first, collect my thoughts and then turn them into blogs] I had written an entry a few weeks ago that read:
“I have felt very betrayed by Billy* lately. I have over the last few weeks. He hasn’t been there for me at all. He’s been in Billy world, and when I reach out he completely ignores me. I’ve expressed concerns with him that he’s ignored. He even came to visit Colorado and DIDN’T see me.”
This is not my fantasy, this is reality. I understand why I have a tough time letting people or bad habits go but that does not mean that I should avoid the fact that there are a few daily negative habits that I could be rid of. Becoming self-aware of these habits and finding ways to correct them would benefit my life in a great way. The first step is to acknowledge what these derails. I started to think about what this meant for me.
What is happening in my life that is not pushing me toward ultimate success and/or happiness?
It was not easy to think about. In fact becoming aware of these negative habits freaks me out because now I have to do something about it. The first thing I thought about was my addiction to coffee. I am well aware of the terrible health issues that come along with it, but still as I write this I sip on my third cup of joe for the morning. This thought is a hard to wrap my head around (“coffee needs to go”) so we will tackle this later. . . .
Second would be my addiction to killing empty time with Netflix or scrolling through my social media’s. These are guilty pleasures of mine and I could be spending my time on a hobby that actually adds value to my life. If I have three hours to spare than instead of watching “One Tree Hill” for the ninth time, I should spend it reading, writing, exercising or meditating; all of these activities I can do at home. I will need to learn some self-control in order to turn off the Netflix and open up a book but I know I can do it. I read this great information piece (Free!) on self-control about a week ago ( Click here for the Ebook ) I have started to tackle this addictive pattern to Netflix and have only got off track once. Yesterday I opened up Netflix (dang nabit) but mid episode I became aware of my actions and I turned it off. YAY ME! However I think the last addiction will be the hardest to let go of and that is my addiction to Billy*. Writing this in my journal is one thing, posting this online is another because for me that means it is real and it is something I have to take action on. I have to add value back into my life. Cutting back on material things I am hoping will be easy, but cutting back on him I know will not be. The back and forth thoughts about Billy* has started to deplete my self-worth. Do I stay around and wait for him to be ready to love me, continue to de-value myself or do I let myself free? Free from the sting I feel every time wait for a phone call that I never receive. Free to love myself, to embrace my mind and my heart like I have been embracing his. I spend half my mornings and nights consumed with empty thoughts of him when I should be filling my head with thoughts of me. I am the only person I should be giving unconditional love to at this point in my life.
At the end of the day I am the only person that has to deal with my decisions. Only do I feel that pit in my stomach when I’ve had three cups of coffee and no water. Only do I feel the disappointment or the despair; these words they are cutting and hurtful. I want to feel magical and respected. I know that if I would eventually free myself from these things I would feel lighter. I would be better, more competitive, and more aware of my own life and ideas. I have been holding on to these pleasures but they are doing me more harm than they are good. They are empty, filling me with a feeling that is not “love.” But I know I can be better, I know my journey is a lovely one I just cannot clog my head or my body with ideas that do not serve me well.
Now I will not work on this all at one time. I do not want to overwhelm myself with becoming addicted to change but I do know that in order to have freedom I need to rid of the negative habits that control my daily life. I have the power to make my life better and I will.
*Name is changed bc that would just be mean.