I’ve been front seat on the struggle bus for a few days. I was worried that I ran out of words to write but then I called my mother and I rambled on and on to her about the issues that were going on in my life. I suppose I just needed to verbally air out to the world (and to someone who I trust) what was going on in my head. I have had a few disturbing moments over the last few weeks but also many other wonderful moments as well. I sensed a change, and it sounds strange but I feel like something inside me shifted.
I’ll explain… I am usually always looking for answers. I end my thoughts with a final realization and then I move on from the fact. But a few weeks ago I had to let go of some negative habits and I had to face what I thought was a negative version of myself, but I was wrong to throw myself under the bus. I am right to avoid people or actions that cause me harm but I am not a wrong person because I have let it fester. I have to accept who I am, the decisions that I make and the actions that I take. I have to become more aware of myself, my reactions and my actions.
I have started in this new phase. I have taken up a pottery class, it started yesterday. It was a humbling experience to say the least. I am not very balanced or coordinated and this I will admit however I am willing to give this new hobby a try. It would be an honor to be able to create a new set of plates for my grandmother or my parents, I really enjoy making things with my hands and I would love to give gifts knowing that I worked hard; so I hope this skill works out for me. Haha.
I have also started a new job, which has been an amazing experience thus far. I manifested this. I wanted a new job where I craved to go to work and gave it my very best. I wanted a job in where I can learn about event planning, in a new state and learn the lays and the laws of their public event planning system. This job has been really beneficial to me and my overall success, however it has taken away from my daily creativity, which is something that I have been struggling with.
As I mentioned before I have been trying to become more aware of my body and the moves that it makes when new moments/issues occur. Such as stress, anger, joy or sadness. I notice that my body reacts in terrible ways to negative happenings: breaking out in hives, cramps that result me to bed rest or excessively throwing up. When I was 19 and my boyfriend broke up with me I was so sad and sick that I had lost 20 pounds. I do not mean to sound weak or too vulgar but I just want to admit that I have fallen before. But I am now awake and ready to bring more awareness into my life. This means that I have to understand I do not have all the answer. As you can see my mind is filled with new knowledge, new experiences and feelings but I have no final answer. I have no finishing words because I am still in the middle of all of these new experiences. I WILL keep you posted.
p.s. never stray away from your daily peace practices. If something such as doodling in your notes eases your pain – do it and don’t stop. For me I like to write and when I stopped doing it I started to feel uneasy so I will not do that anymore.