I am now twenty-four years old, and I admit that I sometimes still feel like the insecure, eleven year old girl that I sometimes was. I used to be bullied before I was a teenager. Mildly. And before you get your panties in a knot, it did not traumatize me. No one buried my head in the sand (well one time this kid Sam…) or put snakes in my locker. They didn’t steal my lunch money. My experience was probably similar to a lot of young girls my age. It was common, childish verbal abuse. I never think about it too much but when I do I realize that even way back in grade school, I was always trying to get my peers to like me. I wanted their approval so badly. Approve of the classes that I am taking before I sign up for them. Approve of this new cute boy before I pursue him. I didn’t make many decisions without consulting at least one person. Things are not much different these days.. maybe you can relate..
I may be “adulting” now but I don’t always feel like one or act like one. Guess what I found out though? I am not alone, so that’s comforting. We are called young adults for a reason. We are still young, in our minds, our spirits and certainly in age, but we have to take on the responsibilities of an adult. Which sucks. I like to make big, bold moves but still I find myself feeling very insecure every now and again. In the American English dictionary insecure is defined as “uncertain, unsafe and fearful” On the internet it reads that we lack in self-confidence and self-assurance. The word insecure definitely has a negative energy when you read it out loud, but I don’t necessarily believe that insecurities are always a bad thing. It is good to open up your eyes to yourself when you feeling bad and dig a little deeper.
Insecurities are what we use to defend how we honestly feel about ourselves and maybe about the world in general. We grow up defending ourselves and trying to “fit in, so obviously as we grow into our ‘real’ self (some of us) we are going to have to face the things that we may have embedded in our minds that are not so authentic. Not all of us are ready (or ever will be) to face the things that we do not like about ourselves. If you do choose to go the route and start learning about yourself and committing to your own growth and development then you will learn to appreciate these moments of uncertainty.
When I move through a personal obstacle like this and I conquer the pain I always feel lighter, more aware, happier and better because I was able to confidently face whatever it was my body and soul was going through. How do I move through this current obstacle, this insecurity issue? I have found that writing my feelings out on paper has been extremely helpful for me. Recently I have been reading a lot of my own similar journal entries about my struggle between wanting to be liked by my peers but wanting to choose the things that make me liked by me.
I am always in search for positive validation from my family and my friends. I know this because it is a habit that I have had all of my life, only now is it really taking a toll on my daily habits. I am trying to build a business, build a life for myself and yet somehow I find myself getting so easily DISTRACTED. Distracted by all sorts of outwardly people and scenarios. The other day I called four different friends trying to find someone to go get some food with me before I decided to just go by myself. I was hungry and I did not need my friends (though I respect them) to tell me when and where to eat. I was hungry ‘dog gon it’. So I went and ate by myself. It is hard to be alone, I suppose that is why no one ever does it. When I finally went to the restaurant and sat down, I looked around me and noticed that I was actually the only person that was there by themselves. Clearly I am not the only human being with this issue. Sometimes we search for validation in the wrong places, and I know that I am guilty of this. As much as I adore having a support system and friends to lean on I am still learning how to detach myself from my attachment to the relationship. I think sometimes I fear being alone and other times I embrace it. For the last six weeks or so I have been struggling with wanting to be with my peers but also wanting to embrace time by myself. These days more and more often I have begun choosing myself.
I guess that is how I will overcome this insecurity. By facing it head on. I have to have self-control and discipline to say that I want to spend time alone. I don’t care how you feel about it, I am embracing what feels good to me. As much as I think I need your approval, I do not. As long as I hold tight to this in my heart and mind then I believe that I will overcome this challenge. The only person who can make me feel truly and honestly validated is myself. I think that it is time that I listen to Jordan more often. She is very wise, and she loves me.