If someone collected my journals after I died they could write a long book about my boring ole life. When I go back through my old journals it is like I am reading a story about someone else’s life. Not mine. Reading back and seeing where I was at emotionally this time last year or even the year before and seeing how much I have changed is eye opening. It makes me want to give myself a pat on the back. I used to live in so much fear that I did not even believe I could come out from it. For a few moments I was literally lost. My voice was lost and my power was stripped away. And it is no one fault but my own. I allowed it to happen. However, now whenever I feel like I am in a low vibration I can confidently look back on my life and say well at least I am not that low. I have felt worse. I have been through worse. The only way from here is up. And up I have gone. This past year I have found a way to balance loving myself and loving my community.
Instead of only trying to satisfy and validate my relationships.
Instead of always making sure if “they” are okay…
I now make sure that I am good first.
My relationship with myself is the most important thing. If I do not wake up and think “Damn Jordan, I am proud of you for making it this far” than I take a few hours to make myself feel balanced. I have to feel good at all times. If I do not feel good, I do not make money. I do not excel or expand when I am feeling small. Also acting small does not serve my community. The brighter we are, the brighter the things and people around us become.
I had never felt lower in my entire life than I was feeling around the winter season last year. I was stuck in muddy water (as my journal records) just trying to move through the motions. I hid in my bedroom because I was afraid to face what was outside my door. I literally had to pull myself out of bed sometimes and force myself face what was in front of me. The confrontation, the harsh words, the blame, the guilt, the shame. As much as I did not want to, I had to face it all if I was going to move past it. Then out of nowhere it was like I woke up. One morning I decided that my life was in my control. No one else had to live my life except for me so I better make it the best damn life possible.
So I did. I ran full force into a life that treats me well. A life where I am validated. I am loved. I am powerful. It is not all sunshine and rainbows though. In fact there have been many instances where I still feel uneasy about myself or uneasy about my relationships. Or uneasy about where my life is heading. But you know what has changed? My determination to make it better. Never again will I allow myself to get to a point where I cannot see the light. I know that I am always shining. I am working hard to give myself the best life possible and I will always strive for that. I now realize that a bad moment does not mean you are paving the way to a bad life.
My life is good. I am creating unlimited opportunities for myself and I am so happy.
To the people who feel stuck. I promise this will pass and you will get through this. Embody the confidence and strength to pick yourself back up. Eventually (I swear) you will be able to laugh at scenarios that you thought you’d never get through. The most promising thing about hitting rock bottom is knowing that you can only up from there. Anyway, I think that is all for my thoughts today.
p.s. Can you believe I used to post a blog ONCE A WEEK?? In 2016 I kinda killed it. I’m trying to get back to it. Writing makes me feel SOoOooO GOOD.
P.S.S. – If anyone has an article or something I can read on how to create better blog titles I would appreciate it. For me, that is the hardest thing about writing outloud.